


Tell me it gets easier

by lgbthanji



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Autistic Kozume Kenma, Coming Out, Drunk Kuroo Tetsurou, Getting Together, Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma Friendship, M/M, Panic Attacks, Party, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-07-19 15:21:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19976263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lgbthanji/pseuds/lgbthanji
Summary: Kenma has been in love with his best friend for as long as he can remember. It doesn't help when Kuroo takes Kenma with him as his date to a party of Bokuto. Alcohol is involved and panic attacks are present. The evening doesn't end like both boys would've wanted to.





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hi, this is my first time actually writing an HQ fanfic, I haven't watched the show (only a few episodes and rea way too many fanfics) so some characters might be super OOC. I absolutely love Kenma and Kuroo their friendship and Kenma is one of my favourite comfort characters and have a lot of cute headcanons about him. I hope you all enjoy this fanfic as much as I enjoy writing it. There will be some events happening during this fanfic that might make people uncomfortable so I'll put a TW in the notes at the beginning!
> 
> Please comment and spare some kudos

The first time Kenma met Kuroo everything changed for the better. Kenma felt a different person with Kuroo, he felt important, seen and loved. Since a few years Kenma knew something changed between them. The way he acted around Kuroo was different and Kenma didn’t know how it happened or exactly when. He only knew he didn’t like it, but he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t stop acting careful around Kuroo, longing for his touch and being somewhat jealous when Kuroo couldn’t meet up to play volleyball or to just game and talk about everything and nothing at once.

Kenma didn’t know what was happening and he couldn’t exactly ask someone. Who would he ask? His mother who’s busy with work and occupied with all the other tasks a single mother brings. Kuroo? Or maybe the team? Both was absolutely not an option. Beside Kuroo, Kenma didn’t really have anyone else to go to. Kenma throws his phone next to him with a frustrated sigh. Kenma wanted these feelings to stop bothering him. He wanted to act around Kuroo without a care again, saying whatever he wants without overthinking it all. Kenma sat up as quick as he could, his face changing from frustrated to relieved. He could call Shouyou! He would maybe have an answer to all this. Kenma picks up his phone and starts dialing Hinata his phone number.

“Kenma!” Hinata excitedly picks up after only two rings. A small smile appears on Kenma’s face as he registers Hinata his loud voice. It’s overwhelming after the deafening silence the blonde has been in since he came home hours ago.

“Hinata, do you have time to call for a while?” Kenma asks in a small voice, his voice cracking a little cause the lack of use. 

“Yes, I just finished studying and wanted to go to Kageyama, but he can wait!” Hinata says talking a little softer than before. Kenma lays down on his bed and stares at the ceiling. “What did you want to talk about?” Kenma his mind suddenly becomes a mess, what did he want to tell Hinata? Did he want to tell everything? Does he leave out Kuroo? Is it even normal to be feeling this about your best friend?

“Kenma?” Hinata sounds a little worried and Kenma shakes his head in attempt to forget his dark thoughts. “Uh, I’m having trouble with- “the blonde begins confident. Kenma shakes his head no he should say it differently. Hinata waits patiently for the other to continue but Kenma his anxiety takes over. What if Hinata finds it weird, what if Hinata will laugh at him or even worse say it’s absolutely weird Kenma’s feeling that way? Kenma takes a deep breath and holds it for a while closing his eyes.

“I’m acting weird around Kuroo and I don’t know what’s happening. I’m jealous which I’ve never been before and I don’t even know why? I want to be with Kuroo all the time and I don’t know what’s happening!” Kenma says in one breath and goes silence while trying to calm down. 

“Kenma, have you been in love before?” Hinata asks his voice serious. Kenma doesn’t understand why Hinata isn’t listening to him but, he answers his question anyway. “No, why are you asking?” The uncertainty clear in his voice. 

“Well, my mom told me when you’re in love with someone you want to be with them no matter what. Whenever that person isn’t around nothing makes sense, at least not really. Everything is ten times better with them and you get jealous faster. You long for that person to be near and want to be everything for them so you’re acting careful around them, scared they’ll reject you if you make a wrong move. It’s nerve wrecking, your heart starts beating faster every time you see them, or you get excited whenever you think about them.” Hinata says with short pauses in between to let Kenma process what Hinata is saying. Kenma feels as if everything is spinning. He’s in love with his best friend? Is that even possible? Are you allowed to fall in love with boys? Kenma always told his mom he would only love her. 

“Kenma? Tell me what you’re thinking.” Hinata tries to encourage him. Kenma his breath hitched, panic is setting in and Kenma really doesn’t want to have a panic attack right now. Everything is getting heavy for Kenma, his body, his mind is in overdrive and Hinata his voice fades away. Kuroo can never find out. The older boy will freak out, he will keep Kenma at a distance.

“Kuroo likes girls.” Kenma suddenly says, he didn’t realize he had said it out loud until Hinata spoke but Kenma couldn’t hear his words. “Kuroo likes girls.” Kenma repeats more to himself then to Hinata. A forced laugh escapes his mouth while tears form in his eyes. Kuroo likes girls while Kenma likes boys. 

“Kenma listen to me, I’m in love with my best friend too, it gets easier.” Hinata sighs and Kenma suddenly sits up. “It gets easier?” Kenma says voice laced with hope and relief. “Somewhat.” Hinata says and that’s enough for the other to give it a rest.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuroo asks Kenma on a date to one of Bokuto's famous parties. Kuroo surely means date as in a friendly way, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry it took me this long to post chapter 1, but it's finally here! There's some TW for anxiety and panic attacks but not much so only read when you're comfortable. The characters can be really OOC since I haven't see/met Akaashi and Bokuto yet hhh (I recently finished S1 oops) so I apologise! If there's any mistakes please let me know. Comments make my day and give me motivation so please let me know what you think! 
> 
> Thank you for the support and have fun reading!

Kenma’s first day on a train was an absolute disaster. His anxiety got so bad he started having a real bad panic attack and missed the first day at school. The second time on a train was with Kuroo. Kenma holding the edgy of Kuroo’s jacket, hiding himself behind his much taller best friend. Kuroo kept Kenma distracted for most of the ride. The small victory was the best feeling Kenma felt and he was motivated to keep going, until taking the train became regular. A normal daily activity. Sometimes Kenma still struggled. If the train was overloaded with people like today. Kenma tried to shut himself off as much as he could. Trying not to touch others, trying not to be the center of attention. 

“Kenma?” The voice sounded so far away Kenma just ignored it. Maybe it was his imagination. “Kenma?” Sounded a second time and little cracks in Kenma’s focus appeared. Kenma frowned while trying harder to keep focus on his game. “Kenma?!” The voice became louder and louder. Still, Kenma ignores it or at least tries to, curiosity is nagging him. 

The sight is normal. A small blonde boy next to a taller dark-haired boy. The blonde being way too focused on his phone. Kuroo sighs and pets Kenma’s head lightly, finally trying to get the gamers attention. Kenma jumps from the sudden touch and lets out a soft yelp, Kenma loses focus entirely and the sound of the game over tune plays. 

“I’m sorry kitten.” Kuroo says leaning into Kenma. The other feels his cheeks getting warm and quickly tries to think about anything else instead of Kuroo being so close. Kenma puts his phone down while pushing Kuroo away mumbling a small “you’re in my personal space.” To the older. 

Kuroo moves away by standing up what alarms Kenma. Why is Kuroo standing up? Did he sound too angry? Was his tone too harsh? 

“We’re almost at our stop.” Kuroo calls seeing Kenma slightly panic. Kenma tilts his head a little and turns around to look outside. Kuroo smiles brightly as Kenma’s movements resemble a cat perfectly. The sun is setting outside, casting an orange glow over the calm fields outside. Kenma takes it all in and breaths out slowly. 

The cold icy October wind hits Kenma’s face the second the two boys step out of the comfortable warm train. Kenma huffs and zips his jacket further up. The two begin walking towards home in silence. 

“So,” Kuroo begins and Kenma looks up at the other teen. An orange glow on his face making his skin glow and Kenma has to look away before he keeps staring. 

“Bokuto is throwing this dumb party.” Kuroo begins and giggles a little. Kenma smiles to himself. Kuroo thinks the party is dumb. 

“I was wondering if you’d like to go with me?” Kuroo starts again after looking at Kenma just to see his reaction, as usual Kenma is hard to read but Kuroo knows he’s thinking about everything in that head of his. Considering the pros and cons about going to the party. 

“I mean as date.” Kuroo finishes as he closely watches Kenma’s reaction. Kenma stops walking for a second. The word “date” ringing loudly in his mind before he continues walking as if nothing happened. 

“Sure, text me the details.” Kenma says when they reach the front door of Kenma’s house. Kuroo and Kenma always walked home ever since they can remember. Kenma stops to wave goodbye at Kuroo as he walks towards his own house a little further down the street. Kenma finally lets out a sigh. There is no way Kuroo actually means a date date right? It’s just a thing best friends do right? When they can’t get a girl for a date, you just go with your best friend. Right?

Later that night Kenma gets a text from Kuroo. The party was this Friday, around 10pm till 3am or even later. There wasn’t really an end time. Kuroo quickly after that texted they can leave whenever they feel like it. It’s supposed to be a small party with other volleyball clubs. Maybe Karasuno would be there too? Kenma quickly texts Kuroo goodnight with his usual cat and heart emoji and locks his phone. Nothing to be worried about, Kenma’s going to the party Friday and is not gonna have any regrets. 

Friday came quicker than ever. Before Kenma knew he was in front of his closet trying to figure out what to wear. At some point all his clothes ended up on the ground. Kenma lets out a frustrated grown and sat down on the ground. Black jeans were a must, he pulled out his white stripped crop top. He didn’t want to draw too much attention to himself, but he also wanted Kuroo to look at him. Kenma knew Kuroo hasn’t seen the crop top yet. Maybe, maybe he could put it on?

Kenma ended up with black ripped jeans, his white black stripped crop top, velvet chocker and part of his hair in a small bun. It wasn’t that flashy. Kenma grabbed his red flannel and tied it around his middle. If he felt too many eyes on him, he could always put on the flannel and cover up his crop top. Kenma gave himself one more look in the mirror and tried to smile. 

A loud knock on the front door down the stairs pulled Kenma out of his thoughts. Kuroo would pick him up and drive them to the party. It wasn’t even that far but he had to use his car sometimes right. Kenma grabbed his phone and keys as he turned off the lights and ran down the stairs. His mom was on a business trip this weekend and honestly Kenma didn’t mind cause if she knew about him going to a party, he would have been in the kitchen getting a lecture from him mom about god knows what. 

Kenma opened the door as Kuroo was staring at his phone. Kenma smiled and quickly grabbed his darkish red platform doctor martins he only wore for special occasions like tonight. 

“Shit.” Kuroo said as Kenma closed the door and locked it behind him. 

“What?” Kenma asks and Kuroo just stares at him. Kenma can feel Kuroo’s eyes on him, inspecting everything. Kenma’s cheeks heat up and his heart begins to beat louder when Kuroo grabs his hand and pulls him along to the car. 

“Kuroo, what?” Kenma asks again and Kuroo doesn’t say anything till they’re both buckled up in the car. 

—

The ride was silent but not an awkward silence. Kenma enjoyed the quiet moment, he knows at the party everything will be loud and overwhelming. Kenma was nervous. Nervous to go to the party, meeting the people there and what it would be like. Normally he would avoid parties. It just wasn’t something for him yet here he is in his best friend’s car on his way to a party. 

“If something or someone is making you uncomfortable please tell me right away.” Kuroo says giving Kenma a quick glance meaning he’s worried. Kenma looks down at his lap while he fidgets with his fingers. 

“I will.” Kenma says looking back up out of the window. He recognized the street now; they were almost arriving at their destination. 

“Kenma, I’m proud of you.” Kuroo says, it’s almost as if Kenma imagines it. Kuroo’s voice is so soft and honest. It surprises Kenma, he doesn’t even know how to react, so he just nods slowly. Kuroo smiles and not much later the car comes to a stop. Kuroo turns off the engine and unbuckles his seat belt. 

“Don’t worry too much, Bokuto is going to freak out when he sees you came.” Kuroo smiles bright and Kenma smiles a little. Kenma nods and moves out of the car into the night air. 

Bukoto’s parents are gone for the weekend and they agree to a small party. A small party doesn’t fit Bokuto at all, Kuroo did say it would just be some volleyball teams or players. 

“You look so good.” Kuroo says once the walk towards Bukoto’s house. You can see the flashy lights already and faintly hear the music. Kenma’s heart begins to beat fast if Kuroo takes his hand. 

“Yeah?” Kenma asks tugging his shirt with his free hand. Kuroo stares at Kenma again and the blonde one can feel his cheek heat up. Kenma soft holds Kuroo’s hand. It’s a normal thing to do right? Hold your best friends’ hand? 

In the meantime, they already arrived at the front door and just as Kenma wants to say thank you to Kuroo and flash him a genuine smile the front door opens. 

“KUROO!” Bokuto loudly yells and Kenma flinches backwards a little, letting go of Kuroo’s hand. Bokuto hugs Kuroo tightly.

“Hey dude,” Kuroo says patting his friend’s back lightly as Bokuto lets go. Kenma loves their friendship. Even though they’re in different volleyball teams they support each other and hang most of the time. 

“You couldn’t find a date for my party?! I really put all my faith in you.” Bokuto starts and Kenma holds his breath. Would Bokuto think it’s weird when Kuroo says he brought Kenma as a date? Technically it isn’t even a date, just two best friends accompanying each other to a party, right?

“I brought Kenma as my date.” Kuroo says pulling Kenma a bit closer. Normally Kenma would hate it but today was different. He wanted to be closer to Kuroo. Wanted this date to be real and not just as friends. Kenma lets out the breath he was holding as he looks at the ground, nervously playing with his hands. 

“KENMA!” Bokuto yells and carefully as if approaching a hurt cat Bokuto pets Kenma’s head. Kenma didn’t mind the touch, normally he would have but he’s relaxed. Sure, he is nervous as hell but also somehow calm. Calm before the storm. 

“I’m so glad you came! I totally didn’t expect it but you’re more than welcome.” Bokuto said and held the door open for the two. Bokuto whispered something to Kuroo and Kuroo shot the captain of their rival team a dark glare. 

The three stepped inside and Kenma felt like he walked into a brick wall. All his senses were registering what was going on. The music was loud, the light was bright and rapidly flashing and the smell was the worst, alcohol and weed. Kuroo shook his head looking perplexed at Bokuto. Bokuto just laughed as he shrugged his shoulders. 

“It’s a bit much.” Bokuto settles for and Kuroo hits him. “A bit much?! Do you even know all these people?” Kuroo says and Bokuto shakes his head. Akaashi walks past them and Bokuto stops him. Kenma sees how easily Bokuto slips his hand casually in Akaashi’s hand and pulls him into his side. Perhaps it is normal to hold your best friends’ hand. Kenma feels his heart drop. Kenma really thought Kuroo may be crushing on Kenma too but all thoughts were melted before the sun. 

“Kenma?” Akaashi’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts. Kenma lets out a small gasp as he looks up and sees Kuroo nowhere. 

“Hi.” Kenma chokes out and Akaashi smiles friendly. “Kuroo got all of us something to drink, do you drink alcohol?” Akaashi asks and Kenma can barely hear him cause the loud music. Kenma shakes his head at Akaashi’s question, Kenma isn’t planning on drinking. He never had alcohol before and doesn’t have the desire to try. At lease, not tonight. 

“You and Kuroo both have a date?” Akaashi asks and sees the other is studying his reaction closely. 

“No, we came together.” Kenma says and starts pulling on his shirt. Why did he have to wear a crop top, why did he have to draw attention to himself, why- 

Kenma suddenly remembers Kuroo’s words. You look so good. Kenma takes a deep breath and calms himself down. He can do this. As long as Kuroo’s by his side. He can do it. 

Kuroo pushes a drink in Kenma’s hand and flashes him a big smile. Kenma smiles back and sips the drink carefully, he trusts Kuroo enough to not give he something he doesn’t enjoy. Tasting no alcohol but apple juice instead Kenma knows it’ll be a good night.

They’ve been inside for a while now, just talking with Bokuto and Akaashi. Kuroo has been drinking a lot, Kenma isn’t sure but he thinks Kuroo is a bit tipsy at this point. All Kuroo does is talk about random things, not that Kenma hears. Kenma is most of the time zoning out of the conversation only to be pulled back to reality by Kuroo’s touch. Kuroo has been giving him small touches the whole evening and Kenma isn’t used to it. He’s not complaining though. 

Kenma isn’t paying attention to who they’re talking with or what the topic is about but soon enough he’s pulled from his own world as Kuroo takes Kenma’s hand and guides him through the house outside. It’s much quieter there and it’s nice having some fresh air. 

“Are you okay?” Kuroo asks when he sits down pulling Kenma on his lap. Kenma blushes a little and nods. 

“Akaashi is nice, it’s pretty crowded though.” Kenma states and Kuroo snorts. “Yeah Bokuto accidentally sent an invite to the whole school, instead of just the volleyball clubs.” Kuroo laughs and Kenma lets out a chuckle. That’s typical something for Bokuto to do. 

Kenma can feel himself relax against Kuroo’s body. It feels so right, yet he can’t let himself fully slip into inner peace. Kenma feels Kuroo is tense. Is it cause Kenma’s too comfortable around him? After a while Kuroo snakes his hand around Kenma’s waist and the touch burns. Kenma doesn’t mind at first. He keeps repeating in his head that it’s just for Kuroo to be more comfortable, to search nothing behind the gesture. 

“You’re not cold right?” Kuroo asks. His face way to close to Kenma’s. The blonde can feel Kuroo’s warm breath on his neck, his arm around his waist and his hand against his upper leg, the intimate touch is sending shivers down his spine. Kuroo never acts like this. He always keeps his distance. 

“No.” Kenma breaths. Kuroo suddenly softly presses his forehead against Kenma shoulder. 

“You want to dance later?” Kuroo asks uncertain and Kenma smiles. Dancing with Kuroo would be nice. 

“Yes.” Kenma says a little more confident and tilts his head a little, leaning against Kuroo’s head. 

“Are you enjoying our first date?” Kuroo asks and Kenma freezes. Was Kuroo serious about this being a real date? Is he genuinely asking if Kenma’s enjoying it? 

“You two love birds sneaking away.” Bokuto calls once he makes it outside. Kenma blushes and moves to get up but Kuroo isn’t having it. 

“No, it’s just loud inside.” Kuroo says looking up and grabbing his drink from the floor while taking a sip of his drink again. Kenma wonders if there’s alcohol in, wonders if Kuroo will stay himself. 

“Kenma dear, can I please borrow Kuroo from you for a while?” Bokuto asks and Kenma nods. He shivers when he moves from Kuroo’s warm touch. 

“Walk with us inside, you’ll catch a cold if you stay here.” Kuroo says and takes Kenma’s hand. The touch is too rough and too sudden for Kenma and he can’t help but gasp and pull his hand away from Kuroo instantly. Bokuto watches them from a distance and Kenma somehow gets nervous, Bukoto’s big eyes always checking things. 

“Sorry.” Kenma mumbles and feel anxiety come up. His hands begin to shake a little but Kenma quickly hides it before the two other boys can see. 

The three of them make it into the living room. Kenma sits down next to Akaashi and Kuroo tells the other raven haired to keep an eye on Kenma. Bokuto in the meantime whispers something in Akaashi’s ear what makes the other grin wide. Kenma ignores it and makes it to the kitchen. 

“I’ll be back in a bit, just stay with Akaashi and you should be fine.” Kuroo whispers in Kenma’s ear and a shiver goes down Kenma’s spine. His face is so close. Kenma gulps and softly nods his hand. 

“I’ll find you after.” Kuroo says and pressed his lips to Kenma’s temple. The touch is so feather light Kenma almost thinks he imagined it but Akaashi stares at him. Bokuto and Kuroo part ways and Kenma can feel his heart beat out of his chest. 

Both boys move to the corner of the living room. Not the best spot since it’s the most crowded but the kitchen was being used as either make out stop or beer was flying everywhere cause some people were playing beer pong. 

“Are you okay?” Akaashi asks and Kenma automatically shakes his head. Why is Kuroo acting like that? Is he drunk? Kenma really can’t understand what has gotten into Kuroo and if he likes it. Kenma looks up at Akaashi when he starts to get up. Kenma wants to grab Akaashi’s sleeve, ask him to stay here or at least come back soon. “I’ll be back in a few.” Akaashi says and moves away.


End file.
